To Hell With Inhibition

I was reminiscing about fun times I've had at camp, and it made me think of him.

We haven't seen or spoken to each other in four years, and this is the first time I have thought of him again. He's always been nestled in the back of my mind, and sometimes when I see people on the street, there's a small flash of recognition but I've never put a name to it.

Unfortunately, I've had to add him to my long list of regrets.

He was flirty and obnoxious and cute, and I don't think I realised those things back then. He was just a boy (okay, a good-looking boy) that made me feel nervous as all boys did and still do. I look back and feel flattered that he flirted with me, a dorky self conscious girl.

I remember during lunch, I got up for a drink, and when I came back he was sitting smugly in my chair. I told him to get out of my seat, and he responded, "Why don't you just sit on my lap?" Of course, being about 12 or 13 at the time, I didn't reply, but instead tipped the chair so that he fell out. How romantic of me.

During camp, we got to work with cars. I knew nothing about cars (still don't know anything), and he knew everything. He patiently taught me the names for the different types of wrenches and showed me how to use them.

But perhaps my favorite memory is the day of the ropes course, which happened to fall on my birthday. We were putting on the harnesses, and there were so many buckles and straps that I had no idea what to do with them.

He saw me struggling with it and came over. He took the end of the longest strap which was supposed to go along my waist and walked away until it was streched out.

"Spin towards me," he said, and I did. I had been too naive to realise that if I had spun a little further, I might have ended up in his arms, which had probably been his intention in the first place.

After that, I climbed up into the course, which crisscrossed through the woods, high in the trees. Just when I reached the top of the highest tree, all the campers began to sing 'Happy Birthday' to me. I came down, embarassed, and he was there holding his arms out, offering me a "birthday hug."

And I declined it. To this day, I regret it, and I expect that I will regret it forever. My paranoid nature causes me to be wary of everything and everyone. I'm too afraid to jump because I don't know if there's something to catch me.

I guess the one good thing that came out of this is that I finally realised how inhibited I am. I want to change that. I want to fall in love, whatever that is. I want someone to hold, and someone to hold me.

I want to stop living in this shell. And so, from now on, I'm stepping out. I know I may have my heart broken, but it's already been broken, so I have nothing to lose.