Deadly Sin: Despair

Graduation is a mere two days away.

I'm anxious. This is sort of a bittersweet ending for me. There are a lot of people at my school that I can't stand, and this will be good riddance. But then there are the ones that I miss a lot, even though I've barely been out of school for a week. And I can't help but wonder if I'll ever see them again after I go off to college. And even if I do, they'll be different. We might not click, and the only thing we'll have in common is the past.

I don't like getting hung up on the past, but I can't help it. It's no joke when they say that hindsight is 20/20. It really is, but for me it's mostly the bad things that stick out in my memories. I wish it wasn't that way, that I would remember just the good things, but I suppose that's how I learn from mistakes.

I guess the thing I'll miss most is the certainty. The familiar rhythm of waking up, going to class, coming home, etc, etc. But now it'll be different. New people, new place, new...everything. It's like being the new kid all over again, except this time everyone's new. So I know I'm not alone, but why do I feel like I am? I feel like I've been coddled and have had someone holding my hand my whole life, and now all of a sudden they're letting go and shoving me into this strange world that I don't know anything about.

Let's face it--I'm scared. I know what I want (vaguely), but I don't know how to get there, or if I ever will. I know that I have to take the next step, but I don't know which direction to go in. All of a sudden, there are just too many choices. And there's no way to know which one's going to take me the way I want to go, and there's also no going back.

Sometimes I wake up thinking that this was all just a dream. But it isn't. It's my worst nightmare.

Read more

Here Comes...the Graduate?

So I spent forever last night trying to figure out what I'm going to be wearing for my piano recital/graduation. We're required to wear a white dress and light colored shoes for graduation, but I don't happen to own any. My mum's too cheap to buy me some, so I have to wear something of hers.

First of all, my mum has a warped fashion sense (don't they all?). Second, most of her clothes are as old as I am, or older. Those two things combined make the most horrible wardrobe crisis you could ever imagine. Except I don't have to imagine it...I have to WEAR it.

She found this very matronly-looking white dress with little clear seed beed flowers sewn on it that could have been a wedding dress for like...I don't know, a flapper from the 1920s or maybe a Jackie Kennedy dress. It's cut just above my knees, and it has a scalloped V-neck collar. (The dress in the picture above sort of looks like it, shape and style-wise.) And the shoes...well, my mum only buys SENSIBLE shoes, so I guess this pair isn't so bad...for her. They've got a thick, maybe 1 inch heel and they're white slip-on sandals with a sort of lattice pattern. I don't really know how to describe them.

But anyway, I made myself look somewhat less matronly by adding a belt and a matching bracelet (this is what I will be wearing to recital). Oh, and did I mention that since the dress is sleevess, it makes my arms look fat? It does. Very much so.

The thing is, I can't wear the belt or the bracelet to graduation because it'll show through my hideous white gown. I'm not even sure which is more hideous--the gown or the dress. Let's just say I plan on bringing a change of clothes.

Read more