Redemption?

It's surprising what you can't tell about a person just by looking at them.

It's even more surprising what you can't tell about a person after meeting them twice and talking to them for an hour each time.

If you read my last entry, you know that I'm currently trying to get over a guy. So basically all cute guys interest me more than they normally would.

Well, I met this guy who I thought was pretty friendly and nice, and we were talking about having lunch together (not as a date, just as friends). And then I talk to him on facebook, and it made me have second thoughts. Honestly, his attitude on facebook was so drastically different from when I talked to him face-to-face that I actually wondered if it was him that I was talking to.

He was just...offensive, to put it mildly. But I believe in second chances, so I'm hoping that he'll redeem himself if we have lunch together.

That is, IF we're even going to have lunch.

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50 Reasons Why

So, if I were to tell you the whole story, we'd be here forever and you'd die of boredom. But basically, I used to have a crush on this one guy for a really really long time. And then I confessed to him and he said that we "weren't meant to be." Ouch. Yeah. So we don't really talk to each other anymore. I've trying to get over him for a long time, and I was getting pretty good at it too.

Then I saw him yesterday.

And it all came flooding back.

I was like, "Damn you." I worked so hard to get him out of my head, to the point where I almost never thought about him anymore, and then one glimpse ruined it all.

So I spent last night agonizing over him, trying to figure out exactly what my feelings were and blah blah blah.

And I made a list of 50 reasons why I should get over him. They're all pretty good reasons too. So hopefully those 50 things will keep me from making the same stupid mistake twice. And if they don't, well, then I really am the biggest fool in the world.

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Crossing the Finish Line

I'm proud of myself. For once.

You know why?

Because I FINALLY finished writing the sequel to my first fan fiction. It's all posted and everything. I'm just happy that I went through with something. It's so rewarding to read everyone's comments.

It was 33 chapters long. I think the first one was 30 or something.

Anyway, I'm just overjoyed right now. If I had it all printed out on paper, I would hug it.

<3

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Abyss

you cut me
with your words,
trying your best
to tear me down,
to crush me,
and you forget that
I am blood and bone.

you cut me
deep into my skin
in an attempt
to break me,
to mold me,
and I resist
till I am stone.

you cut me
and you're surprised
when I don't bleed,
but I am
only what you made me,
and now I go
under and alone.

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Brick Wall

I never imagined that I would think of my Monday morning lecture as an escape. It used to be that I would go to school and wait for the hours to drag by until it's time to go home again. Now it's the opposite.

Friday night I went out with three of my friends for dinner. We laughed, talked, and just had a really great time. Last night, I went out again with two of the three and it was a great night too. Sometimes just sitting around talking about random things beats any other kind of entertainment, especially if you have interesting/weird friends. Which I do. So it was great. We laughed a lot, something I haven't done in a while.

I got home and went to tell my mom that I was back, and she gave me this strange look. And then she asks me if maybe I know why my friends asked me to go along with them. I said, "Well, because we're friends and we usually don't get to hang out together." Obviously I would want to have dinner with them. And to my complete astonishment, my mother suggests that maybe (since one of them is a guy), my girl friend wanted me to go along with her because she thought it would be too much like a date if she went by herself. For whatever reason, my mom thinks that all of us like him. I have no idea how she got that into her head, but I was so insulted that I just walked away without saying anything.

Today, I had to drive back from this event I went to, and I wanted to stop by the grocery store, but I had never driven through that particular route before. The whole time my dad was sitting beside me yelling at me and telling me how incompetent and stupid I was, and that just made it worse. I mean, I know I'm bad with road names and I have no sense of direction. Some people just are. My dad's practically got a gps system in his brain, so he really doesn't understand why I don't know which way is north and why I don't know exactly where we are and where we're going at all times.

Honestly, I was so pissed of that I just wanted to drive the car into a wall.

So we go to the store and blah blah blah and we get home. I'm sitting there in front of my laptop and my dad just barges in and starts telling me that I need to make a goal list for myself. Because in his opinion, if I just plan out everything in my life, things will work out perfectly.

"You need to know where you're going."

I have no fucking clue where I'm going, thank you very much. And thanks to what's happened so far in my life, I don't even know where I WANT to go. Like I said, I have no sense of direction whatsoever.

Right now I am even more pissed because my dad said, "Do you even know why you went out with them (my friends) last night?"

I said, "Because we're good friends and we don't hang out."

Apparently my mom brainwashed him because he said, "Don't you think there's something special going on? Why did you even go?"

Because they're my fucking friends, that's why. God. How controlling do my parents have to be? I mean, they've already pretty much controlled everything else that's gone on in my life, and now they're trying to get between me and my friends too? How unfair is that? It's not even any of their business.

So basically my parents think that I'm coming between my friends' budding relationship, that I'm stupid, incompetent, and completely hopeless.

Right now I really want to get back into the car, pile all of my belongings into it, and then just drive into a wall going at about 100 mph. I don't even care anymore. I hate this so much. I just want everything to go away, but it won't.

So if you don't ever hear from me again, that's what happened.

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A Rainy Beginning

My first day of college was, well, WET. And cold, and slightly windy. It rained all day, and I had to carry this big 'ol umbrella all over the place. I accidently left it in the cafeteria and had to run back to get it. I stepped in a giant puddle that soaked my jeans up to the shins, and I nearly fell going up the slippery steps in my wet flip flops.

And besides being wet, it was stressful, not exactly exciting, and also very lonely.

I came here thinking that I would be able to make a lot of new friends right away, which is usually what I do when I go somewhere full of strangers. Not so. Perhaps it was the rain, but I couldn't seem to bring myself to approach anyone. I thought I'd gotten over being shy. Apparently the problem has only gotten worse.

I suppose this is the drawback of a large university--it's large, HUGE, and this is what makes it so damn complicated. I find myself wondering if I made the right choice.

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